Five Stages Of Depression

Thought Catalog

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On the onset of a major depressive episode, sufferers will most likely ponder a series of questions: How could this happen? Where did it come from? Why does mental illness have to be so stigmatizing? It’s a mix of denial and anger, similar to the first two stages of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s famous model on death and dying. Although her model outlines the coping process for the terminally ill, I believe the same logic applies equally well for sufferers of depression.

Formed after interviewing thousands of terminally ill patients in the late 1960s, Kübler-Ross’s hypothesis became a breakthrough in the field of near-death studies. Over the years, people have found solace knowing that acceptance, the fifth and final stage, is possible. Although depression is not a fatal diagnosis, for those suffering, thoughts of death will loom heavy. Some may feel death has already arrived, floating through a worldly existence they…

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Bam!(’cause I couldn’t say it aloud)

Tick tock goes the clock, slowly my panic grows.

The closer to three the tiny hands be

The less pleasant my poem appears to me.

At this time, I really need be

Writing numbers instead of poetry.

I hope my professor does not call on me.

Oh the irony on the screen,

Word problems are not fun you see.

My mind is wandering aimlessly.

My care is not if these words fit, together in this sonnet.

Ten forty-five is the time, now as I write ridiculous rhymes.

As I approach the last line, a thought appears within my mind.

I write in the present as well as the past.

But words of the future are out of my grasp.

I can win battles, but I’ll never win the war.

           Lately, My life has been surrounded with gloom and doom. Most of it being in my head and not actually existing. I constantly battle depression, anxiety, paranoia and what seems to be a completely different, parasitic part of my personality. Right now, in this moment however, I feel completely okay.

               I don’t know how long this will last. I will probably collapse into a ball of hysterical sobbing in the next half an hour. But right now, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I get this feeling and these thoughts down before that crash happens. I need to be able to look back at this for hope. In this moment, I am normal, I am loved,I am safe. I’m not abusing myself. I’m experiencing a part of me I wish I could share with everyone. A part of me I want to stay and the part that usually loses to my other self.  

                The problem is when I try to share something I like or am excited about, I get ignored. And here I go. The euphoria is still here but fading. It fades as negative thoughts settle into my brain. The dark side of me returns for another round. I know this post is pointless, It won’t be seen. It will be buried as I will be eventually. My cries for help are almost always not heard. My thought process goes back to being unclear. And it begins again. The pain it my chest that always aches.

Little birdie

( I wrote this poem today. Below is my real name)

 Hello little bird,

Hopping through the snow.

Are you not cold?

All of your friends are in the tree

Preening their feathers

Looking warmer than thee

But there you are as happy as can be

Flapping your wings

Having fun in the snow

Your attention on nothing else.

Not me,

Not the tree.

Just the snow,

That is oh so cold.

                                -Amber Hoholek

 

When the snow began to fall in late November, I was as excited as I am every year. It was somewhat soothing to watch the tiny unique shards of ice fall into its place on the ground. I was still enjoying the winter weather when December came and as it left, even while ringing in the new year. I do not usually tire of this weather until at least mid-Feburary. But here I am, nine days into January and I am already longing for spring. The snow is no longer pretty. It has had me trapped in my house for much longer than I like.

Fall

My favorite season is almost here.

The season of sweaters and pumpkin patches,

Apple picking, too.

Crisp fresh  cider,

warm pumpkin pies,

hayrides on a sunny brisk afternoon.

The leaves on the trees turn beautiful colors of gold and red with some orange mixed in too.

Let’s not forget halloween,

when the goblins and ghouls come out to play

‘Trick or treat’ will be their phrase.