The worse it gets, I fail to hide.

To an open ear, I confide.

It hurts when you look at me.

When you tell me I have potential,

When you tell me I’m worth it.

Something inside me dies.

Maybe I believe you?

Is this okay?

Can you chase the monsters away?

-Amber Hoholek


I can win battles, but I’ll never win the war.

           Lately, My life has been surrounded with gloom and doom. Most of it being in my head and not actually existing. I constantly battle depression, anxiety, paranoia and what seems to be a completely different, parasitic part of my personality. Right now, in this moment however, I feel completely okay.

               I don’t know how long this will last. I will probably collapse into a ball of hysterical sobbing in the next half an hour. But right now, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I get this feeling and these thoughts down before that crash happens. I need to be able to look back at this for hope. In this moment, I am normal, I am loved,I am safe. I’m not abusing myself. I’m experiencing a part of me I wish I could share with everyone. A part of me I want to stay and the part that usually loses to my other self.  

                The problem is when I try to share something I like or am excited about, I get ignored. And here I go. The euphoria is still here but fading. It fades as negative thoughts settle into my brain. The dark side of me returns for another round. I know this post is pointless, It won’t be seen. It will be buried as I will be eventually. My cries for help are almost always not heard. My thought process goes back to being unclear. And it begins again. The pain it my chest that always aches.